How does one ignore social castration from social clicks within the ward
I live in a well to do area in San Diego. I have been inactive for around ten years but have felt the urge to go back to church based on the testimony of the principals I know to be true, and for my family. How ever, I am finding it very depressing to see the social clicks that segregate individuals between the members. My wife recently was invited to attend a get together for a night of bunko with a large number of women from the ward. When she arrived home she was very dis trot due to the evenings events and discussions. She stated she felt as if she was applying for a sorority at a collage and was being judged on her worthiness to be let in by the group. She stated that she felt bad because of the way the women were talking about other women, that were not there and could not defend themselves based upon the accusations that were being thrown around. She did not understand the discussions about who had the best boob jobs, which person made the most money and who new who when it comes to knowing who. I guess my question is how does one ignore these things? And how does a husband help his wife who is a convert, balance the social and religious aspects of the church.
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It helps me to keep in mind that these types of cliques exist in ALL organizations, whether they are religious, professional, community, etc.
I understand that isn't the response you want to hear given that the goal of the church is to help people become better. But unfortunately the "church in reality" is no better than the active participants in a given area.
My advice for yourself and your wife is:
1) If you can't make good friends there, make them elsewhere. Some of my best friends are members of other congregations or people who are not members of the church. Religion has never been a social issue for me.
2) As annoying as it is, don't get discouraged. At every large company I have worked for, I have seen the exact same "groups" form... The reality is that people make friends with people who are similar to them - even if its snottiness and unfortunately you seem to have run into a group of them.
Well said Rational.
May I just add that I have distanced myself from these social groups in my area/ward. I am definately an outsider, but it suites me just fine. I go to church for one reason only. I don't go to make friends, play bunco, sew quilts, gossip, make friends, etc... If your wife is down with that, it's really a nice way to live. I'm civil with my fellow ward members, talk with them occasionally, but that's the beginning and end of it.
Another option is to host your own parties. They don't have to be bunco, or anything else that's popular right now, but invite whomever you want. Invite the people your wife hung out with that night, and invite the people that were being talked about. If it doesn't work out, well, at least you've taken the opportunity to get to know a variety of people...surely you'll find one or two you want to hang out with again.
I agree with 12:54 and 1:02 completely. I go to church for one reason and it is not to make friends. Not saying that I am not friendly but I don't care to go to RS socials or things like that because I have friends and I have church and I don't need them to be the same.
But I am sorry about your wife's situation because that would be completely annoying especially if you are trying to make friends in a new group (like just moved in or something) and don't have friends established in the area.
Tough ward. :( I know what it's like to be in a ward where I don't have any friends, but it's like everyone else has said: church is worshipping the Lord first and foremost. If you have friends there, then great! If not, oh well. 'Oh well' is easier said than lived, I understand, but I hope she/y'all can do it. I just moved into a new ward and no one was overly friendly (well, new RS sisters to me... the men were all extremely open to my husband) and it was frustrating and discouraging, but then I remembered I have lots of friends not in the ward or even in the Church, and that helped. My last ward was mostly elderly women who were awesome but I had nothing in common with them so I often found myself sitting by myself in RS and soon I grew used to it.
Remember, the Gospel is true, but not necessarily the members. I hope y'all stay active despite your superficial ward.
Good question! I live in a small town in Utah, where everyone knows each other and went to school together. I am not from here and it has been very difficult for me to fit in. I don't get invited to things, even though I am standing right there when they are talking about it. I have plenty of other friends not in my ward, but you really don't want to be around people when they look at you like an outsider. It's tough to go to church when you feel that way.
This is probably not helpful at all, but here's how I look at it: Church should be a nice, relaxing sanctuary that I escape to each week. What could be more calming and relaxing than showing up to church and worshipping in peace - no one yacking to you about what they did last night, or inviting you to the party next weekend, or gossipping about Sis. So-and-so? Maybe if you and your wife talk about it and make the decision to be grateful for how the situation is, you'll find that you actually PREFER not having friends at church. Sounds great to me! But I am sorry that you're having a hard time with it right now.
I've been active my whole life and have seen this in every single ward I've ever been in, which totals 8 different wards. I've always made really good friends in every ward I've ever been in too though. When I'm new to a ward, I just watch out for and steer clear of the "clicky" ones and rather, become friends with the ones who are truly kind and down-to-earth. It sounds like your wife just happened to hang out with the "wrong crowd" that night, but I'm positive that if you keep your eyes (and ears) out, you'll find some people in the ward who are genuinely kind and follow the gospel teachings a little better. Good luck...don't give up. :)
The word is "clique." I'm not trying to be rude. Please hit the spell-check button!
10:29, I'm not trying to be rude, but click wouldn't be caught by the spell-check button, since it is also a correctly spelled word.
Is there a spell check button? If so, where is it?
way to ruin the post spell-check-police. Who cares.
I enjoyed the other comments. Thanks.
I know, why do people have to throw crap like that in here? It drives me crazy! WHO CARES if one word is mis-spelled! Seriously people!
This is not 10:29, but I agree with him or her. People who don't care if things are spelled correctly are usually people who can't spell. Also, there is a spell check button icon on top of where you type your posts.
Oh my goodness, I've never realized that's a spell check button! Genius!
And I am a stickler for proper spelling and grammar, but I've learned to ignore it on here. (Or at least, not comment on it.) There's no point, really.
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